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I am much happier with my life than I was this time last year.
June 14th, 2009
May 14th, 2009
"Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.
Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You’re highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You’d take brutal honesty over superficiality any time—your friends always know where they stand with you. You’re completely unfake. Don’t tell me that’s not a word. You’re also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.
These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.
You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. Though you’re inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it’s not as one of mass destruction. You’re choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you’re really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing."
Hmm. Really?
Well, I sure hope I'm that badass. I can see that at the very least, this is how I wanna be.
Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You’re highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You’d take brutal honesty over superficiality any time—your friends always know where they stand with you. You’re completely unfake. Don’t tell me that’s not a word. You’re also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.
These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.
You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. Though you’re inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it’s not as one of mass destruction. You’re choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you’re really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing."
Hmm. Really?
Well, I sure hope I'm that badass. I can see that at the very least, this is how I wanna be.
April 14th, 2009
I forgot to tell you
today I saw the first flowers of the year. Crouching in the shadow of marble stairs. They will hear our footsteps, I expect, when we cross the stage. To hell with it! The past and future like the sea. I want just to be here, for you to share this breath -- /this/ breath, right now, which you will never have again -- with me. I want to see you with what they call fresh eyes: to see only skin and hair, and not what I know lies beneath. I want to be like oranges clustered with their fellows, eager to be chosen and devoured. My heart is beating. We are pirates; we ought to be pirates, claiming what's ours. I'd kiss you in the crow's nest, and your lips would taste of salt. Maybe that'd be difference enough to keep our interest alive. Do you believe in the symbolism of crows? Have you noticed how they flap around our heads? I don't mean to make you despair: I feel no such thing. The flowers I mentioned were blue, no periwinkle, and they were -- forgive me -- beautiful. Would you see them if I cupped them in my hands? I am enough. I am enough. When's the last time your heart raced? If I read Neruda to you enough times, would you fall in love with me? Let's peel the orange together, share it over a trash can. Throw away all the rinds and barriers. Touch the edges: soft and sticky. Just a graze. Just a pondering of the skin. I wish we were always this sweet, or at least not bitter. If not sweet, then salty in the crow's nest. Where our snarling is just a form of play, and despite our patches we can see it all.
today I saw the first flowers of the year. Crouching in the shadow of marble stairs. They will hear our footsteps, I expect, when we cross the stage. To hell with it! The past and future like the sea. I want just to be here, for you to share this breath -- /this/ breath, right now, which you will never have again -- with me. I want to see you with what they call fresh eyes: to see only skin and hair, and not what I know lies beneath. I want to be like oranges clustered with their fellows, eager to be chosen and devoured. My heart is beating. We are pirates; we ought to be pirates, claiming what's ours. I'd kiss you in the crow's nest, and your lips would taste of salt. Maybe that'd be difference enough to keep our interest alive. Do you believe in the symbolism of crows? Have you noticed how they flap around our heads? I don't mean to make you despair: I feel no such thing. The flowers I mentioned were blue, no periwinkle, and they were -- forgive me -- beautiful. Would you see them if I cupped them in my hands? I am enough. I am enough. When's the last time your heart raced? If I read Neruda to you enough times, would you fall in love with me? Let's peel the orange together, share it over a trash can. Throw away all the rinds and barriers. Touch the edges: soft and sticky. Just a graze. Just a pondering of the skin. I wish we were always this sweet, or at least not bitter. If not sweet, then salty in the crow's nest. Where our snarling is just a form of play, and despite our patches we can see it all.
April 10th, 2009
dreams
· being in house; old and dark. alicia at top of stairs, dog was chasing me and biting me, she was like “so?” trying to get a blanket and sleep on top of chairs so dog couldn’t get me.
· saw lief lying down on the floor, I ran up and was like “lief!” and this woman’s voice came from his mouth, “heeee’s noooot heeeere,” like he was possessed, and his hand was around my leg, and I yanked it off and screamed and ran down and down the stairs.
· then I was outside but it was so dark I couldn’t see around me, but it felt dangerous. I was on the phone with my counselor. I didn’t say anything, but she was like, “you should call me tomorrow. it’s 3 in the morning!” and I said, in a shaky quiet voice, “I know, it’s just… could I just stay on the phone until I get home?” and I woke up.
woke up, checked email. went back to bed.
· dreamed I was on the bus near Hennepin Ave and it wasn’t going where I thought it would go, so I got off and was lost, but I had Lief’s iphone and I almost left it on the bus but I got it again, and I couldn’t figure out how to find him, or how to use the damn thing and look up directions home. I finally figured it out and some red dotted lines of light appeared for me to follow. but I was in a children’s hospital… and then we went down some stairs (there was another copy of me for some reason, but the copy was male and I didn’t know what to call him) and there were LIONS. and it was like a videogame, but I ran, and lost my copy, and went to the top of some stairs where there was like a techno dance party club on top of what looked like a hotel.
· then the dream switched and I was outside looking down and there was a net coming up from the water, and tons and tons of dead tiny fish (minnows?) everywhere around, and the net was tattered, and someone tried to push me down in the water to take a look, and I started screaming and clinging to the net, “I’ve seen it before! I’ve seen it before!” the water was full of blood. then I was at home, and I kept spitting out bits of dead fish, they were caught in my teeth and were hard and like bug exoskeletons. and I started freaking out, and panicking, and clawing at my mouth, and Dad said something like “stop overreacting,” and I screamed “shut the fuck up!” and ran into the kitchen and threw up in the sink and picked all the fish out of my teeth, all while Dad stood there talking about some bullshit, roses I think. Then I went back to where Mom was sitting and she was like, “Your Dad didn’t appreciate the lecture,” and I was like, “Whatever, I just threw up, I don’t care,” and she was angry but still looked concerned, and I woke up.
· being in house; old and dark. alicia at top of stairs, dog was chasing me and biting me, she was like “so?” trying to get a blanket and sleep on top of chairs so dog couldn’t get me.
· saw lief lying down on the floor, I ran up and was like “lief!” and this woman’s voice came from his mouth, “heeee’s noooot heeeere,” like he was possessed, and his hand was around my leg, and I yanked it off and screamed and ran down and down the stairs.
· then I was outside but it was so dark I couldn’t see around me, but it felt dangerous. I was on the phone with my counselor. I didn’t say anything, but she was like, “you should call me tomorrow. it’s 3 in the morning!” and I said, in a shaky quiet voice, “I know, it’s just… could I just stay on the phone until I get home?” and I woke up.
woke up, checked email. went back to bed.
· dreamed I was on the bus near Hennepin Ave and it wasn’t going where I thought it would go, so I got off and was lost, but I had Lief’s iphone and I almost left it on the bus but I got it again, and I couldn’t figure out how to find him, or how to use the damn thing and look up directions home. I finally figured it out and some red dotted lines of light appeared for me to follow. but I was in a children’s hospital… and then we went down some stairs (there was another copy of me for some reason, but the copy was male and I didn’t know what to call him) and there were LIONS. and it was like a videogame, but I ran, and lost my copy, and went to the top of some stairs where there was like a techno dance party club on top of what looked like a hotel.
· then the dream switched and I was outside looking down and there was a net coming up from the water, and tons and tons of dead tiny fish (minnows?) everywhere around, and the net was tattered, and someone tried to push me down in the water to take a look, and I started screaming and clinging to the net, “I’ve seen it before! I’ve seen it before!” the water was full of blood. then I was at home, and I kept spitting out bits of dead fish, they were caught in my teeth and were hard and like bug exoskeletons. and I started freaking out, and panicking, and clawing at my mouth, and Dad said something like “stop overreacting,” and I screamed “shut the fuck up!” and ran into the kitchen and threw up in the sink and picked all the fish out of my teeth, all while Dad stood there talking about some bullshit, roses I think. Then I went back to where Mom was sitting and she was like, “Your Dad didn’t appreciate the lecture,” and I was like, “Whatever, I just threw up, I don’t care,” and she was angry but still looked concerned, and I woke up.
March 24th, 2009
You know, you really can't wait around for other people. I called up Elyse and talked to her for quite a while, and I haven't talked to her forever. It was good. I feel better now. Hopefully it'll last a while.
Instead of all the clamoring self-hatred voices, there is a kind of blankness. It's strange. It doesn't feel empty or lonely; it's just quiet. It's very strange to walk and not to think about much of anything, just to pay attention to the wind or cold or warmth. I no longer worry much about all the things I have to do. I've felt this for the last couple of days. And I don't know how long it'll last, but you know, it's nice. I didn't even know my head could be quiet.
March 22nd, 2009
Everything in me is calm. Strangely, all the self-defeating voices have ceased. It's a nice feeling, inexplicable though it is.
March 15th, 2009
#8B008B |
Your dominant hues are red and blue. You're confident and like showing people new ideas. You play well with others and can be very influential if you want to be. Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively. |
March 10th, 2009
Womb
Photographs have a way of mangling my hands. They exaggerate my crooked fingers and make them look like vultures’ feet. Tiny and grasping. You know I had quite an extraordinary birth: lungs-blocked blue-in-the-face, delivered by police. A premature surprise. The first surface I touched in all the world was old carpet. I wonder if that explains my hands in photos: from the very beginning I was grasping. Trying to claw my way back in to somewhere safe.
Photographs have a way of mangling my hands. They exaggerate my crooked fingers and make them look like vultures’ feet. Tiny and grasping. You know I had quite an extraordinary birth: lungs-blocked blue-in-the-face, delivered by police. A premature surprise. The first surface I touched in all the world was old carpet. I wonder if that explains my hands in photos: from the very beginning I was grasping. Trying to claw my way back in to somewhere safe.
March 3rd, 2009
Probably I should move somewhere alone next year. I’m just too anxious and he’s too busy and I will probably continue to feel neglected and he won’t even know it and I won’t even be able to tell him why. I don’t even know how or what to tell him now. I am nearly always lonely where he is concerned, but it probably has more to do with me than with him. I always have felt very lonely in relationships, no matter who the person is or what the circumstances are. I feel like I’m getting more distant from him since I’m not showing him any of this, but I’m tired of burdening him. It just makes me more apologetic and anxious...
February 27th, 2009
Seeing my new counselor makes me feel SO much better. She said these things:
"The way you react to things makes perfect sense, given what you've been surrounded with."
"You are the most important person in your life."
"I'm so sorry that you've had a hard week."
"It makes perfect sense that you would be frustrated. You feel like you have to prove that you're upset for a valid reason, right? That would frustrate anyone."
"Parents almost never mean to cause harm. But even if it was unintentional, it still hurts just as much."
"On a cognitive level, you know exactly what's going on."
"You can tell Lief exactly what you just told me -- that all you need to feel better is for him to look at you, listen to what you're saying, and to try to be empathetic, the best that he can."
"Every person needs and deserves to feel loved."
"It's no wonder you feel exhausted, when you're fighting with yourself all the time."
It made me feel like I am cared for, like I am heard, and like I matter. That the thoughts in my head are destructive, yes, but that they're that way because that's what I've been taught to emulate. And that I can change. Like I am already capable of changing. Perhaps changing already.
My body feels relaxed, not nearly as tense, and the anxiety has (at least for now) vanished from my stomach. I feel optimistic.
And guess what! I called Jasmine, Alicia, Perry, Brady, Richard, and Sarah. I HAVE FRIENDS. They are available. Without Lief, I can still take care of myself. I still have things to do. I win.
"The way you react to things makes perfect sense, given what you've been surrounded with."
"You are the most important person in your life."
"I'm so sorry that you've had a hard week."
"It makes perfect sense that you would be frustrated. You feel like you have to prove that you're upset for a valid reason, right? That would frustrate anyone."
"Parents almost never mean to cause harm. But even if it was unintentional, it still hurts just as much."
"On a cognitive level, you know exactly what's going on."
"You can tell Lief exactly what you just told me -- that all you need to feel better is for him to look at you, listen to what you're saying, and to try to be empathetic, the best that he can."
"Every person needs and deserves to feel loved."
"It's no wonder you feel exhausted, when you're fighting with yourself all the time."
It made me feel like I am cared for, like I am heard, and like I matter. That the thoughts in my head are destructive, yes, but that they're that way because that's what I've been taught to emulate. And that I can change. Like I am already capable of changing. Perhaps changing already.
My body feels relaxed, not nearly as tense, and the anxiety has (at least for now) vanished from my stomach. I feel optimistic.
And guess what! I called Jasmine, Alicia, Perry, Brady, Richard, and Sarah. I HAVE FRIENDS. They are available. Without Lief, I can still take care of myself. I still have things to do. I win.
February 26th, 2009
I AM SO ANGRY. I deserve to be loved, completely and unconditionally ...
everywhere I feel like the love is conditional.
Oh God it's all related to Lief. He leaves me feeling so anxious and wretched and I want to kick him in the face. And I want to kick myself, because I'm putting way too much stock in this, I'm getting clingy, I feel like he's getting further and further away and maybe it's all in my head BUT I'LL NEVER BE SURE because he won't give me a straight answer.
I don't want to do anything. I keep sleeping because that's all I can think of to do. It's pathetically textbook-depressive.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate myself and I'm sick of always always always always doing this.
everywhere I feel like the love is conditional.
Oh God it's all related to Lief. He leaves me feeling so anxious and wretched and I want to kick him in the face. And I want to kick myself, because I'm putting way too much stock in this, I'm getting clingy, I feel like he's getting further and further away and maybe it's all in my head BUT I'LL NEVER BE SURE because he won't give me a straight answer.
I don't want to do anything. I keep sleeping because that's all I can think of to do. It's pathetically textbook-depressive.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate myself and I'm sick of always always always always doing this.
"Boston"
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? It has begun...
Oh, dear, you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...
I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston, where no one knows my name, yeah
Where no one knows my name
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? It has begun...
Oh, dear, you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across an open field
When flowers gaze at you, they're not the only ones who cry when they see you
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains...
I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston, where no one knows my name, yeah
Where no one knows my name
February 20th, 2009
It is day 3. It's been hard, but I haven't gone out to eat. I'm sticking fast to my resolution. Ha!
February 8th, 2009
I am 5'2" and 125 pounds.
I am somewhere in between a size 2 and a size 4. (Size 2 is a little tight, size 4 is a little loose.)
I am small enough that I am not able to donate blood (so says the medical clinic).
AND YET,
EVERY time I look at myself in the mirror, I suck my stomach in because I feel like it's too big -- like I'm too heavy -- like I eat too much! EVERY MORNING! EVERY AFTERNOON! EVERY NIGHT!
It's exhausting! It's a waste of time! And no matter how much I stare at it, my waist (which, I can tell you, is 29 inches at the smallest, and 38.5 inches at the widest -- because I HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS MEMORIZED) does not change!
And as a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS MEMORIZED!!!
It's so obnoxious and stupid and OH MY GOD, what a society, and more importantly, I can't believe I'm falling for it.
I am somewhere in between a size 2 and a size 4. (Size 2 is a little tight, size 4 is a little loose.)
I am small enough that I am not able to donate blood (so says the medical clinic).
AND YET,
EVERY time I look at myself in the mirror, I suck my stomach in because I feel like it's too big -- like I'm too heavy -- like I eat too much! EVERY MORNING! EVERY AFTERNOON! EVERY NIGHT!
It's exhausting! It's a waste of time! And no matter how much I stare at it, my waist (which, I can tell you, is 29 inches at the smallest, and 38.5 inches at the widest -- because I HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS MEMORIZED) does not change!
And as a side note, I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE MY MEASUREMENTS MEMORIZED!!!
It's so obnoxious and stupid and OH MY GOD, what a society, and more importantly, I can't believe I'm falling for it.
irritatedJanuary 20th, 2009
My head hurts. I have the feeling simultaneously of having absolutely nothing to do, that I'm a total loser not doing enough with my life, and that I'm screamingly busy and pressed for time. It is not a good combination.
First day of classes always does this to me -- I instantly feel like I have to get every little thing done as soon as possible, from finding a job to doing my homework to cutting my hair to organizing my socks. Exhausting. Exhausting.
Anyway, I have class, so that will keep me entertained. I'm not feeling so great about having three night classes, but hopefully it'll be okay. As long as I don't let the dark get me depressed. But, hey! Days are getting longer!
I'm just feeling stressed because tomorrow I have an interview that I have to get up early for. For a job I don't even think I want. And this is the second interview in a row that it's for a job I don't really want. Which means that I will go and not really feel confident or persuasive. I am still of the belief, however naive, that if I show up and am really enthusiastic, I will get the job. I don't know which would be worse: getting the job or not getting it. My funds are pretty low, and will be practically nil after buying books and paying for next month's rent.
I still haven't even decided whether to go back to the custodial thing and have that hold me over till I find something else. Maybe Rich has given my job away already.
Jesus, I can see how negative I'm being, and I don't like it. I won't get anywhere this way, thinking like this. Have to fight it off.
I need to come up with a list of things to fill my time. Whether that be class, work, expanding my friends circle, joining new groups, or volunteering, something has to happen here. I have SO MUCH TIME. This never seems to happen to anybody else, probably because I stop going to things when they start to bore me. It's not like I want a time crunch. But right now I feel kind of useless.
First day of classes always does this to me -- I instantly feel like I have to get every little thing done as soon as possible, from finding a job to doing my homework to cutting my hair to organizing my socks. Exhausting. Exhausting.
Anyway, I have class, so that will keep me entertained. I'm not feeling so great about having three night classes, but hopefully it'll be okay. As long as I don't let the dark get me depressed. But, hey! Days are getting longer!
I'm just feeling stressed because tomorrow I have an interview that I have to get up early for. For a job I don't even think I want. And this is the second interview in a row that it's for a job I don't really want. Which means that I will go and not really feel confident or persuasive. I am still of the belief, however naive, that if I show up and am really enthusiastic, I will get the job. I don't know which would be worse: getting the job or not getting it. My funds are pretty low, and will be practically nil after buying books and paying for next month's rent.
I still haven't even decided whether to go back to the custodial thing and have that hold me over till I find something else. Maybe Rich has given my job away already.
Jesus, I can see how negative I'm being, and I don't like it. I won't get anywhere this way, thinking like this. Have to fight it off.
I need to come up with a list of things to fill my time. Whether that be class, work, expanding my friends circle, joining new groups, or volunteering, something has to happen here. I have SO MUCH TIME. This never seems to happen to anybody else, probably because I stop going to things when they start to bore me. It's not like I want a time crunch. But right now I feel kind of useless.
cynicalJanuary 13th, 2009
I think I've decided on Freya. Anyway, Freya is sneezing an awful lot, and I realized she must be cold, I had her kind of near a window. I hope she's not sick or anything ... I'd feel really bad if somehow I managed to kill a mouse in a couple of days. I'm going to be out of town for 5 days; maybe that'll be better for her ... she can get used to living in the cage and then I can try to get her to like me when she's less freaked out about things.
January 12th, 2009
I bought a mouse. Now I just need to decide what to call her.
December 14th, 2008
You know, I know today is essentially the last day I absolutely have to do something for a time deadline for like the next month, and I ought to shove pies in my face and stop whining, but I still really don't feel like studying for finals. Or figuring out work. Or applying to get into grad-level classes.
Rather than enjoying the solitude, I'm just thinking of the amazing, rocking-awesome time I've had these past two days (and it was a rocking-awesome time!) and just wanting to go to another damn party or go do something epic. It'd probably help if I could exercise, but I pulled something on the outside of my thigh (insert joke here) and trying to move it makes me feel like I'm going to collapse.
So here I am eating fried onions and chocolate chips and vanilla Coke zero and curry rice noodles. Yes, all together. WTF. I used to be ashamed of days like these, and yes, I know I ought to be doing more work, but I can't really be bothered. If I make it into JET, everything else will cease to matter. Of course, I won't know for at least another month, so I should still be motivated and all that, but blah.
---
I've decided that if I could live absolutely any kind of live I'd want to live like SARK, which means I want to live a magical life and see opportunity everywhere and doodle pictures in bright colors and tell stories for a living. And give talks to people and tell them just how awesome things are. Maybe I should just drop all this preparing-for-grad-school shit and start doodling. Because self-help books sell and more importantly because people need/want them. SARK is totally my hero.
Rather than enjoying the solitude, I'm just thinking of the amazing, rocking-awesome time I've had these past two days (and it was a rocking-awesome time!) and just wanting to go to another damn party or go do something epic. It'd probably help if I could exercise, but I pulled something on the outside of my thigh (insert joke here) and trying to move it makes me feel like I'm going to collapse.
So here I am eating fried onions and chocolate chips and vanilla Coke zero and curry rice noodles. Yes, all together. WTF. I used to be ashamed of days like these, and yes, I know I ought to be doing more work, but I can't really be bothered. If I make it into JET, everything else will cease to matter. Of course, I won't know for at least another month, so I should still be motivated and all that, but blah.
---
I've decided that if I could live absolutely any kind of live I'd want to live like SARK, which means I want to live a magical life and see opportunity everywhere and doodle pictures in bright colors and tell stories for a living. And give talks to people and tell them just how awesome things are. Maybe I should just drop all this preparing-for-grad-school shit and start doodling. Because self-help books sell and more importantly because people need/want them. SARK is totally my hero.
December 12th, 2008
to do
this weekend:
fill out fraser application
email Ray (edit stuff to send to Ray) about grad level class
study for comm
study for psych
talk to tim, colin about break times
email Rich about when I'll be working
maybe look up other jobs?
wah :( I don't want to work; I need to find a new job stat
this weekend:
fill out fraser application
email Ray (edit stuff to send to Ray) about grad level class
study for comm
study for psych
talk to tim, colin about break times
email Rich about when I'll be working
maybe look up other jobs?
wah :( I don't want to work; I need to find a new job stat